Throwing Glitter

Every visit with my mom continues to be an adventure.  Earlier this week I was planning to visit her, but then the wonderful activities director at the memory care facility sent me these beautiful pictures of Mom laughing and smiling while shopping at a “boutique” and I decided that I didn’t want to show up and sully her day.  She was beaming from ear-to-ear with her new costume jewelry.  Bling bling!  Seeing her looking so relaxed and free was an emotional moment for all of us.  It brought relief to my dad and the rest of us to see true joy in her expression.  We’ve known that she’s been settling in and participating in the activities, but these pictures showed true, unbridled happiness.

 

It's hard to imagine when looking at these pictures that, even after 8 months since we moved her to care, my visits with her still elicit such pain and anger.  I fear that may never change.  Visits have gotten better, all things considered, but they come with a sense of dread on my part not knowing which version of my mom will be waiting for me when I arrive.  Some days she’s neutral, some days she’s sad, and other days she’s downright pissed off at me.

 

Navigating all of this is such a steep learning curve, and one tactic that I’m honing is quickly changing the subject.  Improvisation is key.  I referred to it as “look, there’s an eagle,” but Chad told me that it’s more like I’m throwing glitter.  Given the love of bling I share with my mom and other women in the family, I decided that was a very fitting description.

 

So my sister and I arrived on Friday for a visit fully prepared to throw some glitter.  Driving over to the facility, we formulated a gameplan spit-balling some topics that we could bring up if needed.  We walked in and my mom said hello to Shannon and then quickly turned to me and said, “It’s your fault I’m here.  Management told me that you put me here and you’re the only one who can get me out.”  Needing some glitter, stat, we said, “Hey, Mom, you looked like you had so much fun shopping earlier this week.  Why don’t you show us your new stuff?”  With that, we headed off to her room.

 

And then we instantly needed more glitter because she couldn’t find her “16-carat diamond” ring.  She had hidden it away to keep it from getting stolen (nothing is being stolen) and couldn’t find her brilliant hiding spot.  We proceeded to check all the drawers and then kept changing the subject as fast as we could as her obsession to find the ring took hold.  Glitter, glitter, glitter.

 

As we went through her drawers, we pulled out this adorable sequined hedgehog that we had not seen before.  Asking her about it, she lit up exclaiming how cute it was and kind of hugging it to her chest.  Handing it to me, I could not have imagined that my next move would’ve been upsetting. Much to her horror, I ran my hand over the sequins to make it change colors. She exclaimed that it was going to ruin it if I did that, so I quickly began pushing the sequins back to their original positions as fast as I could.  Crisis averted!

Still not locating her ring and watching her descend into panic over it, we once again threw some sparkling confetti and said that dinner smelled really good and we should find out what the chef was preparing.  Immediately, we headed off to the dining room.  Thankfully, the chef was making what sounded like a delicious dinner with fresh cookies for dessert.  Cookies are my mom’s love language, so she was pretty excited about that.  Her humor still shows through at times and she said without an ounce of sarcasm in her voice, “Well, you know I don’t really like cookies.”  That gave us both a laugh.

 

With no more glitter left to give, we decided it would be best to end our visit on a high note.  Cookies saved the day.  And I’m very happy to report that the fabulous director texted me yesterday to confirm that they located the ring.

 

Restocking glitter for another day.

 

P.S.  In my last post, I concluded that I was hoping to go from Fixer to Fabulous by installing cable with a direct line to HGTV in her room.  I can say without equivocation that my brilliant solution to all of life’s problems with her has not been resolved by No Demo Reno.  It is helping the staff calm her down at times, but, when left to her own devices, she’s unable to work the remote.  I bought a “simple remote” specially designed for people with memory issues that only has a few buttons and Chad spent hours programming this so-called simple remote to communicate with her TV.  Apparently, the instructions are printed incorrectly and it took a few calls/emails with the company to solve the problem.  But MAJOR KUDOS to Chad for his determination and grit to make it happen.

 

Fixin' To Watch TV

 It’s been a very long time since I’ve visited my blog, but it feels like a good place to be right now.  While fun adventures with Chad continue and travel abounds, the biggest adventure around here these days is trying to outsmart my mother’s Alzheimer’s disease.  And, boy, is it tricky business.  In some ways, it feels like we’ve only been dealing with this for a few years, but then I see pictures and recall things that make me realize it’s been going on for at least ten years.  Ten years.  The progression has been very slow, but it does seem to be ramping up faster these days and taking us all on a wild ride.

 

I read Facebook pages and other blogs and know that this disease and other forms of dementia are presenting lots of families and friends of those who suffer from it with many unexpected challenges. As we try to get our bearings riding this horrible rollercoaster with my mom, I hope that some of our experiences might help you know that, first of all, you’re not alone and, second of all, this is all a big experiment to see what works and what doesn’t.  

 

Moving my mother to memory care was one of the toughest decisions we’ve ever made as a family.  Actually moving my mother to memory care has been even harder.  In spite of her disease and its progression, she’s still savvy and continues to surprise all of us on a regular basis.  Sadly, she’s slow to assimilate to the new place and, though we see pictures and videos of her enjoying activities and smiling, she resets frequently every day and gets very upset and agitated when she’s told she can’t go home.

 

Her agitation and anxiety is really putting the staff of the facility to the test, but thankfully they’ve been up to the task.  In spite of their expertise, she’s surprising them in many ways, too.  We are so grateful that there are angels walking this earth who choose to work with those suffering from these brain-altering diseases.  Their love and patience for the residents is truly heaven-sent.

 

In spite of her agitation and frequent resetting, she does give the staff reasons to smile and wonder at the strangeness of this illness.  Recently I was on a flight and had my phone on airplane mode.  When I landed and switched my phone back on, I had a voicemail from my mom.  It completely rattled my cage, because it’s been months since she’s called me.  In her voicemail, she said that she was “at the clubhouse” and needed me to pick her up.  I immediately reached out to the memory care facility and they were as shocked as I was that she called me.  They knew she snuck into an administrator’s office, but they never dreamed that she made actually made a call or that she could possibly remember my phone number.  They were dumbfounded.  I assured them that, throughout all of the progressions of her Alzheimer’s, remembering my phone number has been a constant.

Yesterday she snuck into an office again and called me, but this time I answered not expecting her to be on the other end of the line.  Once again she told me she was at the clubhouse and needed me to pick her up, because the people she was with wouldn't let her walk home.  I agreed that walking home was a bad idea and told her that I couldn't come get her right away because I was working.  She got very upset when I told her I wasn't available and hung up on me.  It's my understanding she melted down after hanging up the phone and the staff was working diligently to help her get calmed down.

 

Shortly before my mom called me, I spoke with the nurse and she let me know that she was concerned that my mom might have a urinary tract infection and she was sending out a sample for testing.  We also discussed my mom’s high levels of anxiety and agitation the past few weeks.  The nurse’s concern was that an infection could be causing even more agitation than normal, so we actually hoped for an infection to explain it and that treatment would help calm her down.

 

Even though we were still waiting for the test results, I couldn’t sleep and spent the night turning over ideas in my mind about ways that we might be able to alleviate some of her stress.  I laid in bed for hours brainstorming ideas of what might distract her or calm her down.  As the sun rose, I had an epiphany.  I concluded that HGTV has long been my mom’s pacifier.  Much like parking a child in front of the TV, my mother enjoys house renovation shows and frequently spent hours sitting in front of the television watching them before she moved to memory care.  Initially we decided to not put a TV in her room, because there were televisions in the common areas and Mom is introverted at times and we wanted to force her hand a bit to socialize and interact with the other residents.  In the wee small hours of the morning, I determined that it might have been a mistake.  She’s experiencing a lot of change and we can’t force her to be someone she’s not.

 

Exhausted though enthusiastic about my plan, I swung into action today.  By 10:30 a.m., I had purchased a TV and arranged for cable to be installed in her room.  When I called the cable company to arrange for the installation, I literally started crying when the customer service rep told me that a technician was available TODAY.  The rep seemed shocked and surprised that I was thanking her profusely and crying…I think it kind of made her day to make this happen for my mom, but she may have also been concerned that I was a tad too emotional about HGTV. When I shared the news with some friends, we quickly agreed that the cable company is rarely the hero of the story.  That customer rep deserved her moment in the sun.

 

As I quickly made arrangements to pick up the TV and Chad offered to deliver it to the facility, we received confirmation that Mom does have a UTI.  Now the day is winding down and Mom is starting antibiotics and has her very own TV in her room with HGTV any time she wants.  Never in my life did I think I would be relying on the “Property Brothers” to save the day, but I need all of their help and more.  Praying for quick-acting medications and the soothing balm of home improvement shows to rapidly ease my mom’s anxiety.   

 

Now I’m off to get some sleep and we’ll see how tomorrow looks.  Here’s hoping we’ve gone from Fixer to Fabulous.