Call me
old-fashioned, but I long for the days when travel was sophisticated and glamorous. While I didn’t personally experience the new era of
jet setting, I can definitely get on board with the idea of donning
a simple dress and a lovely hat to embark on an adventure. So the images in my mind of the glory days of air travel were dashed this week when I took
to the air on Spirit Airlines.
Spirit Airlines: the Greyhound Bus of the skies.
The Good Old Days
Honestly, I
started to grow skeptical of my airline choice the moment I arrived at the
airport. Unbeknownst to me, Spirit
Airlines likes to nickel and dime you from the get-go. Had I paid for my checked bag before I
arrived at the airport, I would have saved $15.
Then, upon arrival at the gate, I was relieved to know that Chad could
carry my work bag or else it would have cost me…brace yourself…$100. You’re only allowed one free personal item on
the plane, so Chad had to carry a murse (it’s European!) for a few minutes to
avoid sinking a c-note before departure.
And Chad can thank me later that I carry a simple black work bag and not
some hot pink leopard job, so he wasn’t too embarrassed to lug it to my seat.
Once on the
plane, things did not improve much. While I did not experience the introduction
of air travel to the masses, my seat had.
The cushion was so broken and worn down that all I could feel was a spring
stabbing my backside. I think it was an antique from an old Pan Am plane. Chad and I were
both convinced our seats were not in their upright position for takeoff until
we determined that they were about as upright as they were going to get. The row behind us was adorned with an “out of
order” sign , which made me happy for the fact that someone wasn’t sitting
behind me cursing them for my seat lying in their lap.
The
stewardess (I know it’s not PC to call them that, but it was in the good old
days) got us settled into our seats and then assumed her position at the head
of the aisle to educate us about safety.
It went a little something like this: “fasten your seatbelt low and
tight like J. Lo’s pants. No Snoop Dogg’s
allowed on this flight.” Yes, seriously!
To further add
to the mystique of our flying adventure, my fellow traveler in row 7 stepped up
to the plate. He really enjoyed talking
to himself without using his inside voice.
After the plane took off and it reached cruising altitude, among other
things, my seatmate exclaimed quite loudly to no one in particular, “We’re in
the stratosphere!” He also texted
someone, but, much to his disappointment, couldn’t get a signal.
After all of
this excitement, I needed a drink to drown out the musings of the guy next to
me, so I consulted the menu to see what the options were. Hmmm…what did I want? A Manhattan?
Perhaps a vodka martini? Or…a
5-hour Energy and a Slim Jim? Wait. Huh? What?
Yes, it’s
true. Spirit Airlines fine offerings
include beef sticks (let’s be honest and call them what they are – Slim Jims), spreadable
cheese, and 5-hour energy shots. And you
can buy everything in bulk to save money.
Woohoo!!! Now this is the kind of
travel I’m talking about.
In the end, after I pried my knees from my nostrils (Spirit will never be
known for legroom), we were delivered to our destination, so I can’t really
complain…but I can safely say that we won’t be joining their frequent flier
program.
Here’s my advice to you: If you
ever find yourself on a Spirit Airlines flight, don’t forget slip a Slim Jim
under your hat and a 5-hour Energy drink
in your suit pocket to save some money for the variety of fees they'll conjure up before your next trip. And definitely don’t
forget to wear your seatbelt tight and low like J. Lo’s pants.
Bon Voyage!!!
