Sharon's Guide to Watching Hallmark Christmas Movies

During the holidays, I frequently hear people lamenting that they don’t have more time to get things done.  Well, I’m here to help!  In no time at all, I can save you approximately 31 days.  That’s right, 31 WHOLE DAYS!  How, you ask?  You see, after doing some research and analysis during a recent illness, I’ve created a handy dandy guide to the Hallmark Christmas movies.  By following this step-by-step guide, you will no longer have to watch an entire movie.  You can simply watch the first five minutes to get the general gist of the plot and then use my guide to fill in the blanks.  Voila!  Just like that, you’re no longer camped out in front of your TV in your Snuggie sipping hot cocoa.  All of the time you would’ve dedicated to watching the endless days of schmaltzy movies can now be used for spending time with friends and family!

Sharon’s Guide to Watching Hallmark Christmas Movies - Each movie will more or less contain each of the following elements:

1.     Central female character

2.  A dilemma of some sort.  E.g. factory closing, business being sold to non-Christmas loving ogre, person fired from job, transportation issues (car, plane, sleigh, etc).

3.   Long-term family conflict that is unresolved.  E.g. Estrangement from parent(s), envious sister, conniving cousin, etc.

4.     Central male character who is, for some reason, unattainable by the central female character.  E.g. #4 engaged to other female, #1 engaged to other male, #4 total opposite of #1, #4 from a different familial background that would not approve of #1, etc.

5.     Fake snow.  Lots and lots of fake snow.

6.   A situation in which #1 falls and is caught by #4 and/or #1 has food on her face and has to have it gently wiped away by #4.

7.     Said situation in #6 will contribute to growing feelings of love between #1 and #4.

8.     #1 and/or #4 will share confidences with a quirky family member and/or Santa.

9.  A town that is bizarrely obsessed with Christmas with loads of parades, festivals, tree lightings, cookie baking contests, etc.  Town will attempt to be Stars Hollowesque, but not quite get there for fans of the Gilmore Girls.

10.  Something will cause #1 and/or #4 to leave.  E.g. New job, misunderstanding that #1/#4 is not in love with #1/#4.

11.  A very forgiving fiancé of #1 and/or #4, if plot includes previously-engaged party, will immediately understand and accept that #1/#4 have fallen in love with each other and gracefully exit stage right.

12.  #1 and/or #4 will learn of the misunderstanding and immediately return to make amends with #1 and/or #4.

13.  Epic family conflict (see #3) will be completely resolved within three minutes with no long-term counseling needed.

14.  #1 and #4 will profess love for one another.

15.  There may or may not be a wedding in spite of the fact that #1 and #4 have never actually dated.

16.  #1 and #4 will kiss.

17.  The End.

Hope you find this guide helpful!  Stay tuned for my helpful guides to watching Fixer Upper and Flip or Flop.