Throwing Glitter

Every visit with my mom continues to be an adventure.  Earlier this week I was planning to visit her, but then the wonderful activities director at the memory care facility sent me these beautiful pictures of Mom laughing and smiling while shopping at a “boutique” and I decided that I didn’t want to show up and sully her day.  She was beaming from ear-to-ear with her new costume jewelry.  Bling bling!  Seeing her looking so relaxed and free was an emotional moment for all of us.  It brought relief to my dad and the rest of us to see true joy in her expression.  We’ve known that she’s been settling in and participating in the activities, but these pictures showed true, unbridled happiness.

 

It's hard to imagine when looking at these pictures that, even after 8 months since we moved her to care, my visits with her still elicit such pain and anger.  I fear that may never change.  Visits have gotten better, all things considered, but they come with a sense of dread on my part not knowing which version of my mom will be waiting for me when I arrive.  Some days she’s neutral, some days she’s sad, and other days she’s downright pissed off at me.

 

Navigating all of this is such a steep learning curve, and one tactic that I’m honing is quickly changing the subject.  Improvisation is key.  I referred to it as “look, there’s an eagle,” but Chad told me that it’s more like I’m throwing glitter.  Given the love of bling I share with my mom and other women in the family, I decided that was a very fitting description.

 

So my sister and I arrived on Friday for a visit fully prepared to throw some glitter.  Driving over to the facility, we formulated a gameplan spit-balling some topics that we could bring up if needed.  We walked in and my mom said hello to Shannon and then quickly turned to me and said, “It’s your fault I’m here.  Management told me that you put me here and you’re the only one who can get me out.”  Needing some glitter, stat, we said, “Hey, Mom, you looked like you had so much fun shopping earlier this week.  Why don’t you show us your new stuff?”  With that, we headed off to her room.

 

And then we instantly needed more glitter because she couldn’t find her “16-carat diamond” ring.  She had hidden it away to keep it from getting stolen (nothing is being stolen) and couldn’t find her brilliant hiding spot.  We proceeded to check all the drawers and then kept changing the subject as fast as we could as her obsession to find the ring took hold.  Glitter, glitter, glitter.

 

As we went through her drawers, we pulled out this adorable sequined hedgehog that we had not seen before.  Asking her about it, she lit up exclaiming how cute it was and kind of hugging it to her chest.  Handing it to me, I could not have imagined that my next move would’ve been upsetting. Much to her horror, I ran my hand over the sequins to make it change colors. She exclaimed that it was going to ruin it if I did that, so I quickly began pushing the sequins back to their original positions as fast as I could.  Crisis averted!

Still not locating her ring and watching her descend into panic over it, we once again threw some sparkling confetti and said that dinner smelled really good and we should find out what the chef was preparing.  Immediately, we headed off to the dining room.  Thankfully, the chef was making what sounded like a delicious dinner with fresh cookies for dessert.  Cookies are my mom’s love language, so she was pretty excited about that.  Her humor still shows through at times and she said without an ounce of sarcasm in her voice, “Well, you know I don’t really like cookies.”  That gave us both a laugh.

 

With no more glitter left to give, we decided it would be best to end our visit on a high note.  Cookies saved the day.  And I’m very happy to report that the fabulous director texted me yesterday to confirm that they located the ring.

 

Restocking glitter for another day.

 

P.S.  In my last post, I concluded that I was hoping to go from Fixer to Fabulous by installing cable with a direct line to HGTV in her room.  I can say without equivocation that my brilliant solution to all of life’s problems with her has not been resolved by No Demo Reno.  It is helping the staff calm her down at times, but, when left to her own devices, she’s unable to work the remote.  I bought a “simple remote” specially designed for people with memory issues that only has a few buttons and Chad spent hours programming this so-called simple remote to communicate with her TV.  Apparently, the instructions are printed incorrectly and it took a few calls/emails with the company to solve the problem.  But MAJOR KUDOS to Chad for his determination and grit to make it happen.

 

Fixin' To Watch TV

 It’s been a very long time since I’ve visited my blog, but it feels like a good place to be right now.  While fun adventures with Chad continue and travel abounds, the biggest adventure around here these days is trying to outsmart my mother’s Alzheimer’s disease.  And, boy, is it tricky business.  In some ways, it feels like we’ve only been dealing with this for a few years, but then I see pictures and recall things that make me realize it’s been going on for at least ten years.  Ten years.  The progression has been very slow, but it does seem to be ramping up faster these days and taking us all on a wild ride.

 

I read Facebook pages and other blogs and know that this disease and other forms of dementia are presenting lots of families and friends of those who suffer from it with many unexpected challenges. As we try to get our bearings riding this horrible rollercoaster with my mom, I hope that some of our experiences might help you know that, first of all, you’re not alone and, second of all, this is all a big experiment to see what works and what doesn’t.  

 

Moving my mother to memory care was one of the toughest decisions we’ve ever made as a family.  Actually moving my mother to memory care has been even harder.  In spite of her disease and its progression, she’s still savvy and continues to surprise all of us on a regular basis.  Sadly, she’s slow to assimilate to the new place and, though we see pictures and videos of her enjoying activities and smiling, she resets frequently every day and gets very upset and agitated when she’s told she can’t go home.

 

Her agitation and anxiety is really putting the staff of the facility to the test, but thankfully they’ve been up to the task.  In spite of their expertise, she’s surprising them in many ways, too.  We are so grateful that there are angels walking this earth who choose to work with those suffering from these brain-altering diseases.  Their love and patience for the residents is truly heaven-sent.

 

In spite of her agitation and frequent resetting, she does give the staff reasons to smile and wonder at the strangeness of this illness.  Recently I was on a flight and had my phone on airplane mode.  When I landed and switched my phone back on, I had a voicemail from my mom.  It completely rattled my cage, because it’s been months since she’s called me.  In her voicemail, she said that she was “at the clubhouse” and needed me to pick her up.  I immediately reached out to the memory care facility and they were as shocked as I was that she called me.  They knew she snuck into an administrator’s office, but they never dreamed that she made actually made a call or that she could possibly remember my phone number.  They were dumbfounded.  I assured them that, throughout all of the progressions of her Alzheimer’s, remembering my phone number has been a constant.

Yesterday she snuck into an office again and called me, but this time I answered not expecting her to be on the other end of the line.  Once again she told me she was at the clubhouse and needed me to pick her up, because the people she was with wouldn't let her walk home.  I agreed that walking home was a bad idea and told her that I couldn't come get her right away because I was working.  She got very upset when I told her I wasn't available and hung up on me.  It's my understanding she melted down after hanging up the phone and the staff was working diligently to help her get calmed down.

 

Shortly before my mom called me, I spoke with the nurse and she let me know that she was concerned that my mom might have a urinary tract infection and she was sending out a sample for testing.  We also discussed my mom’s high levels of anxiety and agitation the past few weeks.  The nurse’s concern was that an infection could be causing even more agitation than normal, so we actually hoped for an infection to explain it and that treatment would help calm her down.

 

Even though we were still waiting for the test results, I couldn’t sleep and spent the night turning over ideas in my mind about ways that we might be able to alleviate some of her stress.  I laid in bed for hours brainstorming ideas of what might distract her or calm her down.  As the sun rose, I had an epiphany.  I concluded that HGTV has long been my mom’s pacifier.  Much like parking a child in front of the TV, my mother enjoys house renovation shows and frequently spent hours sitting in front of the television watching them before she moved to memory care.  Initially we decided to not put a TV in her room, because there were televisions in the common areas and Mom is introverted at times and we wanted to force her hand a bit to socialize and interact with the other residents.  In the wee small hours of the morning, I determined that it might have been a mistake.  She’s experiencing a lot of change and we can’t force her to be someone she’s not.

 

Exhausted though enthusiastic about my plan, I swung into action today.  By 10:30 a.m., I had purchased a TV and arranged for cable to be installed in her room.  When I called the cable company to arrange for the installation, I literally started crying when the customer service rep told me that a technician was available TODAY.  The rep seemed shocked and surprised that I was thanking her profusely and crying…I think it kind of made her day to make this happen for my mom, but she may have also been concerned that I was a tad too emotional about HGTV. When I shared the news with some friends, we quickly agreed that the cable company is rarely the hero of the story.  That customer rep deserved her moment in the sun.

 

As I quickly made arrangements to pick up the TV and Chad offered to deliver it to the facility, we received confirmation that Mom does have a UTI.  Now the day is winding down and Mom is starting antibiotics and has her very own TV in her room with HGTV any time she wants.  Never in my life did I think I would be relying on the “Property Brothers” to save the day, but I need all of their help and more.  Praying for quick-acting medications and the soothing balm of home improvement shows to rapidly ease my mom’s anxiety.   

 

Now I’m off to get some sleep and we’ll see how tomorrow looks.  Here’s hoping we’ve gone from Fixer to Fabulous.

On this day 30 years ago in a far away land...

August 3, 1989: Thirty years ago today, I embarked on one of the greatest adventures of my life and my passion for travel was born.

August 3, 1989 at DFW Airport.  The navy jacket was required by Rotary and the tradition

 is to cover it in pins and badges you've received from others throughout the year.

In the days of writing letters on onion skin paper, prior to the dawn of e-mail, cell phones, Skype, Whatsapp, Instagram, and Facebook, I boarded my first-ever international flight bound for Munich to begin a year-long high school exchange program.  Other than a brief step across the border into Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, where we bought Chiclets and silver earrings, I had never been out of the country before.

The entire plan was hatched 5 years earlier when I was flipping through the pages of my older sister’s high school yearbook and stumbled across pictures and articles about the exchange students attending her school that year.  What a concept!  I was completely transfixed by the idea that you could travel around the world to go to high school in another country.  Armed with this new information, I marched into the living room and told my dad that I wanted to be an exchange student.  I was 11.  My declaration fell flat; he simply looked up from whatever he watching on TV and told me to remind him in five years.

I’m certain my dad thought I would forget to remind him or perhaps didn't even give it a second thought.  After all, it was very likely that this was just a passing fancy for an 11-year-old.  Whatever the case, he was wrong.  I marked the days off of my mental calendar and waited patiently until about 4 ½ years had passed and raised the issue again.  My assumption was that I would need some lead time before the 5-year mark to set the wheels in motion.  Nonplussed by my reminder, my mom and dad were reluctantly receptive to the idea and we began investigating programs.  We settled on the Rotary Youth Exchange Program.  I got to list three countries of my choice on my application (Germany, Spain, and Italy), but, ultimately, Rotary would decide whether to accept me and where to send me.

To be honest, I don’t know what I thought my year abroad would be like.  Whatever I anticipated seeing and doing could certainly have only been a mere fraction of what I really experienced. 

My first experience, after arriving in Munich and getting settled in my first host family’s house in a small town in Bavaria, was being completely dislodged of the idea that I knew anything about the German language. Turns out a couple of semesters of German at a Texas high school do not even remotely prepare you for a visit to Deutschland (probably the only word I pronounced correctly at the time). It was all Greek to me.  Like a toddler learning to talk, I was starting at the very beginning. Enter Sesamstraße (Sesame Street). Krümelmonster and Bibo (Cookie Monster and Big Bird) were the first friends I made, my trusty dictionary was a constant companion, and I became quite adept at charades.

My trusty companion

The early days of going to school were tough. My head often hurt and I understood very little, but one night about three months into the year I dreamt in German. After that, I started to comprehend more and the words came to me more easily. Unlike school in Texas, I was with the same classmates all day long and the teachers used the Socratic method…foreshadowing of my later law school days. Most teachers gave me a lot of leeway and rarely called on me at the beginning. Then, one day, my math teacher called on me. My entire class protested in my defense saying that it wasn't fair and I didn't speak enough German, but the teacher persisted. I nervously stood up at my desk and began answering questions. Though I certainly bungled the words and didn’t answer with exact precision or perhaps even correctly at all, the teacher was pleased and I got a standing ovation from my class. 

Unfortunately, one of the negative aspects of my year was my first host family. I don’t think they really wanted to host a student, and we just didn’t connect. I had a lovely set of rooms, a quasi-apartment, in their beautiful home, but it was in a walkout basement as far removed from the family as possible. When I was at home, I was lonely. I stayed home very little. On Saturdays, I often took the train to Munich by myself and went exploring.

Thankfully, Rotary located a new family for me and I moved into their home in November. Moving in with them was a revelation. This big city girl officially moved to the country. My new family lived in a small village that had a population of around 800 and there were literally cows in the field behind the house. My new "German parents" and I immediately bonded and I felt right at home. I also gained a sister and the cutest little grandparents you've ever seen. Omi is the kind of grandma who pinches your cheeks, calls you child, tells you you're too pale, and insists you eat something. The original plan was that I was only going to live with them for a few months before going to another host family, but I ended up staying with them for the rest of the year. Truth be told, they haven't gotten rid of me to this day. I visit them every few years and they sat with my parents on the front row when Chad and I got married.

In November 1989, something else infinitely more important than my move to a new host family happened. The Berlin Wall came down. The signs were all around that the Iron Curtain was on the verge of collapse, but the downing of the Berlin Wall changed everything, and I had the honor of witnessing the change live and not just on TV from 3,000 miles away. In May 1990, I went with a group of exchange students to Berlin and chopped down part of the wall myself. 

I read somewhere that the average exchange student meets over 1,000 people during their time abroad. My estimate is that I met three times that many people. Every day I met someone new. Every day I learned something new. Every day I experienced something new. As a result, to this day, I continue to strive to meet new people, learn new things, and embark on new experiences. One year changed the trajectory of my entire life.

It's impossible for me to explore all of the experiences I had that year and honor the important friends I made that year in a single blog post. I just wanted to mark this important anniversary for the 11-year-old girl who dreamed of seeing the world.

My blazer weighed about 8 pounds by the end of the year

Sharon's Guide to Watching Hallmark Christmas Movies

During the holidays, I frequently hear people lamenting that they don’t have more time to get things done.  Well, I’m here to help!  In no time at all, I can save you approximately 31 days.  That’s right, 31 WHOLE DAYS!  How, you ask?  You see, after doing some research and analysis during a recent illness, I’ve created a handy dandy guide to the Hallmark Christmas movies.  By following this step-by-step guide, you will no longer have to watch an entire movie.  You can simply watch the first five minutes to get the general gist of the plot and then use my guide to fill in the blanks.  Voila!  Just like that, you’re no longer camped out in front of your TV in your Snuggie sipping hot cocoa.  All of the time you would’ve dedicated to watching the endless days of schmaltzy movies can now be used for spending time with friends and family!

Sharon’s Guide to Watching Hallmark Christmas Movies - Each movie will more or less contain each of the following elements:

1.     Central female character

2.  A dilemma of some sort.  E.g. factory closing, business being sold to non-Christmas loving ogre, person fired from job, transportation issues (car, plane, sleigh, etc).

3.   Long-term family conflict that is unresolved.  E.g. Estrangement from parent(s), envious sister, conniving cousin, etc.

4.     Central male character who is, for some reason, unattainable by the central female character.  E.g. #4 engaged to other female, #1 engaged to other male, #4 total opposite of #1, #4 from a different familial background that would not approve of #1, etc.

5.     Fake snow.  Lots and lots of fake snow.

6.   A situation in which #1 falls and is caught by #4 and/or #1 has food on her face and has to have it gently wiped away by #4.

7.     Said situation in #6 will contribute to growing feelings of love between #1 and #4.

8.     #1 and/or #4 will share confidences with a quirky family member and/or Santa.

9.  A town that is bizarrely obsessed with Christmas with loads of parades, festivals, tree lightings, cookie baking contests, etc.  Town will attempt to be Stars Hollowesque, but not quite get there for fans of the Gilmore Girls.

10.  Something will cause #1 and/or #4 to leave.  E.g. New job, misunderstanding that #1/#4 is not in love with #1/#4.

11.  A very forgiving fiancé of #1 and/or #4, if plot includes previously-engaged party, will immediately understand and accept that #1/#4 have fallen in love with each other and gracefully exit stage right.

12.  #1 and/or #4 will learn of the misunderstanding and immediately return to make amends with #1 and/or #4.

13.  Epic family conflict (see #3) will be completely resolved within three minutes with no long-term counseling needed.

14.  #1 and #4 will profess love for one another.

15.  There may or may not be a wedding in spite of the fact that #1 and #4 have never actually dated.

16.  #1 and #4 will kiss.

17.  The End.

Hope you find this guide helpful!  Stay tuned for my helpful guides to watching Fixer Upper and Flip or Flop.